to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
