I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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