Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
