Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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