piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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