how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize