everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she told me i tasted like america
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
