Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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