I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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