I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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