I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
