just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
did i just pee glitter
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