took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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