dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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