I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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