I will die if light touches me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
