I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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