So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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