she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she told me i tasted like america
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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