Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
