Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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