you traded sex for a burrito?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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