On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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