I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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