On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
