Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
