i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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