If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize