So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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