It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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