she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
