I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
