I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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