My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize