a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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