I can text with my tongue
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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