I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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