Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
