I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
