i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
