I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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