I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
