I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
