I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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