woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
