This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When did angry sex become our thing?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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