You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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