very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
