I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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