awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
