I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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