Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
