her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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