I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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