plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
