i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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