the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
