that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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