i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
