My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
he high fived his dick after we had sex
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
