Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize