you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
