I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize