Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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