how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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