he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
As shirtless as possible
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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